“Everything will be fine”, they said.
Everyone that had a glimpse of my mood, had a thing or two to say about encouragement. Yes, they were all concerned! Yes, all will eventually be well! But at that moment, it wasn’t! And I wanted to wallow in that phase because in my head i’m thinking, “they won’t understand”.
My default was to pray but even prayer was not forthcoming. I didn’t know what to pray about or how to pray again. It all went blank. I was in a zone where everything anyone says, falls on deaf ears.
Different things were happening at the same time. Certain things i’d hoped for turned into particles. It was like nature was angry at me. I kept thinking, why is this happening? Where did I go wrong? Is this God’s way of punishing me?
Last time I felt this way was few years back but this time around it was worse. I didn’t want to tag it “depression” because the stories I’ve read about depression, is that most people in that situation commit suicide, and I wasn’t thinking suicide.
So I figured, it can’t be depression. But it took me to be in this phase to realise that there are stages to depression, and I was on that path. I didn’t have to think suicidal thoughts, but I was always moody and was pessimistic. If I laughed, it was because I was amongst people so my clear feelings won’t surface. At these point, I figured the flu isn’t about isolating yourself daily. You can be the happiest person in the room sometimes but still suffering within. In other words, wearing a mask.
I smiled and talked when I had to. A close pal made it a point of duty to always be available when I’m moody. Guess what?… none of that worked! I still felt same. I was unhappy about everything and the current happenings didn’t help matters.
”You have achieved so much at your age”, they said. But all of that didn’t matter to me. Was still unhappy! i neglected a lot of things, starting from my health to most of my friends. I had no interest in any of that.
Since I just wanted to stay by myself in an enclosed place and be sad every time i’m home. I created a facade externally so as not to be questioned consistently, because I didn’t want to hear any motivational speech from anyone.
Ironically, I’m usually the one doing the motivation, but there I was, not wanting to hear any of that!
I can’t say there’s a specific solution to this feeling. Although, talking to someone about your feelings may help. Personally, I tried talking to someone but the person began by judging me a bit. I ended up not blaming him because you won’t understand if you are not in that space mentally.
Notwithstanding, talking to someone can ease the recovery process. I’m still researching on solutions that may help people that may have been or are on this path, and i’ll be sure to share when I find something entirely workable.
It’s a recovery path for me, at least i’m writing this post lol, so it’s a good thing. I feel much better than before, after making a mental note on how to go on with life and writing down reasons why “as long as I have life, there’s hope”.
Sunday’s sermon in my church was about “restored fortune” and no better time to hear such message than now. Thus, I keyed into the message and prayed for a restoration mentally, physically, financially, spiritually and otherwise.
However, realistically speaking, not every one of us are believers, and will grasp spoken spiritual words. So i’m not going to pretend and tell you to seek God if you’re ever in this state of mind. I’ll advise to look within yourself and try to embrace your will to live or rather your will to get out of that unhappy zone.
Like the saying goes “If something is worth dying for, then you’ve got a reason to live”.
Have you ever been in a depressive state? What was it like? How did you get over it?